Gingerbeard with the not sweet ending

Things didn't work out between me and Gingerbeard. I am not sad, I am just disappointed.

I remember tweeting about how GB and me were like chalk and cheese. For a start, he thought Drake was a male duck. I thought it was cute and just accepted that we had different tastes in music. He was into 50s and 60s Rock n' Roll. And somehow, I told myself, it's okay, two people are allowed to have different tastes in music.

It's okay for two people to have a different exercise routine, also - I like yoga and meditation, he'd told me that would be his worst nightmare. He was more a cardio guy. And then, I told myself, two people don't have to have the same taste in how they keep fit.

I enjoy cooking. Food brings me joy. He was okay just eating a fish finger sandwich for dinner. It never bothered me.

Those things didn't make any difference to the way I felt about him because there were so many other things about him that I liked. So many other, non-superficial qualities, such as - I liked how close he was to his family; that it important to me in a man, I liked his relationship with his sister, I loved how he took care of his nephews; what an amazing uncle he is. I guess, as someone who is potentially looking for a partnership that could blossom into something, I liked those things about him.

I also liked that he put effort into our dates, he always showed up before me, he was consistent, he would always hold my hand when we walked anywhere, he was incredibly affectionate, and was always a gentleman.

Our dates were always fun. There was a lot of (that classic English term) banter going back and forth. However, although, I had seen this man for close to three months, we weren't having conversations beyond the fun and superficial.

I'll be honest, it did make me nervous. I wondered if he was just a guy who was always fun and never got serious about things, about life, about relationships. I was frustrated that I couldn't get past the joking and get to know someone I adored on a deeper level. I even wondered if the reason he wasn't connecting with me on that level was probably because he was, maybe, emotionally invested in someone else. And I wasn't quite sure if it was my insecurities doing the talking or just that tiny little thing in my belly called gut feeling. 

My friends did wonder why I wasn’t as excited about GB; the way I’d been about all those other men I had dated. Yes, I was attracted to him, but there was something missing - thinking back now, it makes sense. Casual chat can only take you so far, albeit on dating apps or IRL dating. But I never thought it then, because then we’d meet up, I’d be attracted to his charm and humour and kindness. And I just put it down to - maybe, this is how mature adults date. They are a bit more realistic about things. They accept people for more than the sizzling chemistry that quickly fizzles or the getting pissed drunk and doing foolish things all the time.

The Sunday before I was meant to go away, GB came to see me. I'd been ill for a week with no human contact and I wasn't my 100 per cent self.

It was a usual evening involving him waffling away (something he enjoyed) and me listening. Later on, when we got close, I thought, it'd be a good time to try and get to know him to figure out if there is more meaning to this.

I told him how incredibly attracted I was to him; as you do when you like someone. He told me to not say those things because it made him uncomfortable. I couldn't understand how for a man in his 40s it was so hard for him to hear someone being nice to him.

It was established that evening that he's someone who enjoys being fun, and his idea of getting to know someone is pottering about, whereas for me, I need to get to know someone on a deeper, perhaps, more spiritual level, while also pottering about.

However, once again, I told myself, it's something we can work on, right?

Except, it isn't.

On Thursday, GB told me we shouldn't see each other as we are very different people. He can't connect on the deeper level that I'd like to.

He said for him fun and self-deprecating humour, even humour, where people put him down is something he likes. (While I understand that's what he enjoys, sadly, it's not who I am. Putting my partner down, even as a joke, is not something I'd do. I'd like my connection with someone I am with to be a bit more than that joking around.) He was maybe trying to insinuate that I might be too serious for him. I appreciate that I may not be everyone's cup of tea.

He said he likes me a lot, and he worries that he'll disappoint me.

I feel disappointed in myself that despite all the things that make us so different, I was willing to take a chance on someone because there are so many amazing qualities about him I see.

I feel sad for him, that perhaps, he doesn't see those qualities about himself. He'd told me previously the reason why he was single in his 40s was because he was attracted to the wrong women. He'd also mention to me a high number of short term casual relationships he’d had. Signs that did put some doubt in my head. Unfortunately, when I had shared it on Twitter, I was told I was maybe, "over reacting". But the truth is, you've just got to trust your gut sometimes.

When you start dating someone, you've got to ask these questions, not just to get an idea of the person, but also to maybe just protect yourself, no?

You could meet the most wonderful guy who will treat you right and show up on dates and will find things about you adorable but if he's not mentally and emotionally with you on the same page, there is nothing you can do.

It's easy to pick up on fuckboys vibes because they invariably mess things up before you've even had a date. It's the more complex ones that are hard to understand - so, you can either rely upon what they've told you about their past, or you go on the joyride, totally oblivious, and get your heart broken. What would you do?

P.S. Gingerbeard was a great guy. And I genuinely hope he meets someone on the same page as him. But more than anything, I wish, he's able to emotionally open up to that person because that's the magic between just dating and building something real. At least, for me it is.

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