At the end of last year, after a terrible Tinder experience, where the guy I dated for a month and a half essentially vanished off the face of this earth, I decided not to online date.
I read it as, he didn't owe me anything, we didn't have any friends in common and both of us kinda worked in different industries. And so, I told myself, online dating where people have no loyalty to you, or no reason to treat you with a bit of dignity was not for me.
So, I decided to meet people in real life.
In real life, the mystery over whether they'll look like their photos is eliminated, and you don't have to go through the mind numbing small talk. IRL, you see someone/you like someone/you want to get to know someone. Pretty simple, right? Except, it's really not that simple.
Here's what I have learnt from the over six months of dating IRL.
1. An asshole is an asshole, whether he's stood in front of you at a bar, or you've seen a stamp sized photo of him in an app.
If a man has no integrity and is essentially just on a lookout for a shag, he's not going to change his ways just because he's met you in person. His character is still the same. He's still the same guy. If he suffers from Peter Pan syndrome, or is a narcissist selfish asshole, he's still going to be an asshole, except, he won't be as forthcoming IRL as he would be on an app... because #keyboardwarrior.
2. The only way you can suss him out is by spotting the red flags.
Ladies and gents, red flags are really your best friend. I cannot stress this enough. It was a red flag when Mr. Sunglasses insisted he wanted to go back to mine, or that he wanted to order an Uber from my phone. Cue #girlfriend #cheater.
It was a red flag when Spartan had said on the very first night that we'd met that he wanted to lick parts of my female anatomy. I'd ignored it, dismissing it as drunkenness. No, he was actually just a classic fuckboy.
Huge red flag when Keen Bean made me split £16 for a sandwich and a drink on a date he'd asked me out on. No bro, if you're a 30+ adult male asking a woman on a date, you should always ask to split, not just expect her to pay for herself. That's some low level of chivalry no one should have time for.
Yeah, point it, if they say or do something that is strange, weird, making you uncomfortable, or not fitting in with your standards of how a man should treat you, that's a huge red flag. Don't ignore it.
3. Like Tinder, not every single guy you meet IRL materialises into anything.
You know the LinkedIn guy I'd met at a rooftop bar in east London who'd asked me for my LinkedIn (hence the name). Well, we connected on there and he said we should grab a drink if I was in east the next time. I said, sure, here's my number. That was two months ago. I never heard from him.
And that hot half-Jamaican, half-Irish bartender I'd given my number to after he was all over me at the bar and super complimentary. Yeah, never heard back from him too.
But that's just how it is...
4. Having said that, you don't have to give your number to every single nice guy you meet.
Recently, I didn't give my number to a guy who'd asked for my number before asking me for my name. We were chatting for a good half hour prior to that. It felt as if he just expected me to give my number out so freely because we were talking. Like with dating on an app, a guy has to put in a bit of effort. That's like the absolute basic, surely.
5. Decent guys who want to date you/take you out for dinner, don't grab your face and kiss you in clubs and bars within half an hour of meeting you.
Believe me, I can actually make that bold statement based on vast evidence.
Come to think of it, this is pretty similar to guys who match with you and will send you a DTF or dickpic message.
Examples...
Hugo 'Boss' who I met in a bar in Battersea last year = best night out, wanted a shag, didn't get a shag, flaked on the first date, then ghosted.
Next, Mr. Hollister, met in a bar in Wimbledon = best kisser, only wanted a shag, was a bad shag, started being flaky, was binned.
Spartan, met in a bar in Clapham = said something downright inappropriate.
You get the point.
Of all the guys I've ever met in bars, there's only ever been one guy I met at a douchey bar in Chelsea who asked me for my number and said he'd like to take me out for dinner. One guy. Just one. And he didn't attempt to snog my face, at all.
Having said all that, do I still prefer dating IRL v/s Tinder? 100 per cent, yes. Mainly because you eliminate the very high level of mind fuckery. All the guys I have met IRL have turned out to be assholes, but at least, I am dealing with one asshole every few months than the constant barrage of flakers and ghosters and p&*&^ chasers and fuckboys.
Besides, every single person I've met IRL has turned into an interesting story. So, I'd much rather have that + the inevitable heartbreak over sitting in my PJ one night swiping and matching with a potential douchebag.
I read it as, he didn't owe me anything, we didn't have any friends in common and both of us kinda worked in different industries. And so, I told myself, online dating where people have no loyalty to you, or no reason to treat you with a bit of dignity was not for me.
So, I decided to meet people in real life.
In real life, the mystery over whether they'll look like their photos is eliminated, and you don't have to go through the mind numbing small talk. IRL, you see someone/you like someone/you want to get to know someone. Pretty simple, right? Except, it's really not that simple.
Here's what I have learnt from the over six months of dating IRL.
1. An asshole is an asshole, whether he's stood in front of you at a bar, or you've seen a stamp sized photo of him in an app.
If a man has no integrity and is essentially just on a lookout for a shag, he's not going to change his ways just because he's met you in person. His character is still the same. He's still the same guy. If he suffers from Peter Pan syndrome, or is a narcissist selfish asshole, he's still going to be an asshole, except, he won't be as forthcoming IRL as he would be on an app... because #keyboardwarrior.
2. The only way you can suss him out is by spotting the red flags.
Ladies and gents, red flags are really your best friend. I cannot stress this enough. It was a red flag when Mr. Sunglasses insisted he wanted to go back to mine, or that he wanted to order an Uber from my phone. Cue #girlfriend #cheater.
It was a red flag when Spartan had said on the very first night that we'd met that he wanted to lick parts of my female anatomy. I'd ignored it, dismissing it as drunkenness. No, he was actually just a classic fuckboy.
Huge red flag when Keen Bean made me split £16 for a sandwich and a drink on a date he'd asked me out on. No bro, if you're a 30+ adult male asking a woman on a date, you should always ask to split, not just expect her to pay for herself. That's some low level of chivalry no one should have time for.
Yeah, point it, if they say or do something that is strange, weird, making you uncomfortable, or not fitting in with your standards of how a man should treat you, that's a huge red flag. Don't ignore it.
3. Like Tinder, not every single guy you meet IRL materialises into anything.
You know the LinkedIn guy I'd met at a rooftop bar in east London who'd asked me for my LinkedIn (hence the name). Well, we connected on there and he said we should grab a drink if I was in east the next time. I said, sure, here's my number. That was two months ago. I never heard from him.
And that hot half-Jamaican, half-Irish bartender I'd given my number to after he was all over me at the bar and super complimentary. Yeah, never heard back from him too.
But that's just how it is...
4. Having said that, you don't have to give your number to every single nice guy you meet.
Recently, I didn't give my number to a guy who'd asked for my number before asking me for my name. We were chatting for a good half hour prior to that. It felt as if he just expected me to give my number out so freely because we were talking. Like with dating on an app, a guy has to put in a bit of effort. That's like the absolute basic, surely.
5. Decent guys who want to date you/take you out for dinner, don't grab your face and kiss you in clubs and bars within half an hour of meeting you.
Believe me, I can actually make that bold statement based on vast evidence.
Come to think of it, this is pretty similar to guys who match with you and will send you a DTF or dickpic message.
Examples...
Hugo 'Boss' who I met in a bar in Battersea last year = best night out, wanted a shag, didn't get a shag, flaked on the first date, then ghosted.
Next, Mr. Hollister, met in a bar in Wimbledon = best kisser, only wanted a shag, was a bad shag, started being flaky, was binned.
Spartan, met in a bar in Clapham = said something downright inappropriate.
You get the point.
Of all the guys I've ever met in bars, there's only ever been one guy I met at a douchey bar in Chelsea who asked me for my number and said he'd like to take me out for dinner. One guy. Just one. And he didn't attempt to snog my face, at all.
Having said all that, do I still prefer dating IRL v/s Tinder? 100 per cent, yes. Mainly because you eliminate the very high level of mind fuckery. All the guys I have met IRL have turned out to be assholes, but at least, I am dealing with one asshole every few months than the constant barrage of flakers and ghosters and p&*&^ chasers and fuckboys.
Besides, every single person I've met IRL has turned into an interesting story. So, I'd much rather have that + the inevitable heartbreak over sitting in my PJ one night swiping and matching with a potential douchebag.
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