The Dude and why it hurt so much

I'd only been on about six or seven dates with The Dude spread across a month. 

We'd spent a couple of nights together, done the couple thing of going dancing, cooking together, goofing around at the museum, getting Saturday morning brunch, watching the telly together, getting to know each other's sense of humour, sharing music playlists, having intense conversations about politics and religion, finding out about each others relationship history, etc. and my most favourite bit - singing along to Natalie Imbruglia's Torn. 

Sure, nothing to get attached to so quickly. Except, I'd known The Dude for longer than the one month. 

I went on a couple of dates with The Dude last year and when I'd gone away on a holiday and got back, The Dude had gone quiet on me. Basically, he had ghosted me. For those of you who follow me on Twitter, I'd referred to that guy as The Donkey Man. I was upset about how he'd chosen to end things last year around the same time, but I decided to move on (albeit a hard thing to do) and I ended up meeting Gingerbeard and come December had completely forgotten Donkey Man existed.

In May, Donkey Man reached out to me apologising about his behaviour explaining that it was a weird time for him and that ghosting was the wrong thing to do. I didn't make very much of it. I acknowledged the text and carried on living my life. Except, every now and again he'd message me. I ignored him most of the time; it was usually a text asking me how I was, etc. One evening, perhaps when I was bored around July, I messaged him back and we started chatting. It reminded me of how funny he was and how chatting to him was really easy. We bounced off each other like we did a year ago and after chatting consistently for a bit, he asked me out. 

Here's when it got tricky. I remember sex with The Dude being amazing, and my dry spell was getting close to a year, so, yeah, I was desperate to get laid and I thought to myself, well, at least with The Dude, it would be great. Just sleep with him and never call him again. Obviously, I just don't have it in me to be this cruel to anybody. 

The Dude had been pretty full on with his pursing and so I agreed to seeing him again. Ahead of our date in late July, I found out after he added me on Facebook that he'd started seeing someone around the same time he had ghosted me last year. It put doubts in my mind about him and when I asked him, he was happy to tell me that it was an intense relationship that he described as 'weird' and he understood why I would have hesitations but that it was well and truly over and he was keen to see me. 

Against the advice of a lot of people, I decided to still go on our date with no expectations. And it turned out to be amazing. I cannot explain the sexual attraction and chemistry I feel and felt towards The Dude. Being around him was easy, he was interesting, I fancied him, he fancied me and the date itself was five hours of us just chatting and flirting. 

On our second date, he told me how much he appreciated me giving him a second chance, how he hadn't stopped thinking about me all this time, how he saw me as a potential girlfriend, he spoke about his friends to me; insinuating that I'd meet them at some point - he was treating me like a man would treat someone he was genuinely interested in. 

And even though it felt good, I think at the back of my mind, I was always cautious that he was the same guy who had hurt me before. We encountered a few hiccups along the way but bounced back. Whenever I sensed distance from him, it caused me anxiety and I would go back to thinking he was going back to his old ways. 

On one of our last dates, I had mentioned to him that I felt distance from him and he had said he understood where it was coming from and why I would need reassurance because of our past. After that, I continued feeling that distance from him for a couple more days and then, I didn't hear from him for five days while he was at a music festival. 

Those five days were the worst I've experienced in terms of anxiety and it really hurt. I had started to like The Dude despite all the reservations I had about his drug use and our history, but I can't simply forget something that was a big part of my past, our past. 

When I finally heard back from him five days later, I replied with this text... 

That was a week ago, and I have not heard from him since. 

I don't regret taking that second chance. I am just hurt that I thought he was The Dude when he was really Donkey Man all along.